I feel completely helpless

My girlfriend and I have had another fight. It's something that is common lately and that seems to be the underlying problem.

The fault is completely mine, its not even debatable. What was a stupid act of sheer self preservation turned into an atomic blast of untrust and hatred.

I have been with my girlfriend for 10 months now and she is the only thing that I have in my life that I can say that Im proud of. You might think that sounds sad...but if you only spent 5 minutes with her you would totally understand. She is a powerful, loving, caring, and beautiful woman.

If I had to list her one fault it would be her lack of trust in others...a fault that I fear I have made even worse through my pathetic cowardness.

You see, the story goes as follows... I have always had trouble with girlfriends. Keep in mind I said girlfriends, I am not one of those creepy guys that says girls are stupid cause they refuse to talk to him or return his texts. Anyway, what happened was that my ex-girfriend has called and text me since we broke up nearly 2 years ago. I have not replied or instigated communication with her in that time due to the fact that the reason we broke up had to do with the fact that she was cheating on me.

A couple of months ago that stupid bitch called me cause she was out with a couple of our mutual friends that dont come around very often. She called....I ingnored as usual...but then something I hadnt thought about happened. My girlfriend asked who called me, I lied and said it was one of the friends that were visiting, she said nothing else about it.

The next morning I woke up to find that my girl had moved to the spare bedroom during the night. When I asked her why she didnt say much. Minutes later she came to me and asked why my ex had called...I lied and said that it had been the fiend. She caught me because she knew the ex's ringtone, one she had heard before when the syco called.

I was caught, but I didnt think it was a big deal. Besides what had I done? I lied about a phone call. My ex and I had history and thats what made my girl craziest, but thats what it was history.

She couldnt believe that I didnt tell the ex off after I found out she cheated on me...I couldnt explain that by the time I found out that she had done that that the relationship was so done that it didnt even hurt. Afterall you cant be hurt by someone that doesnt mean anything to you.

This New Year my girl made me text my ex nasty things to drive the point home that she was not wanted and to leave me alone completely. I didnt feel bad sending the emails until I realized that it was kind of like sending mean letters to the slow kid... she didnt know what to make of it at first, that was followed by crying and anger.

I dont care if my ex ever talks to me again, I never responded when she tried in the first place. I do want to wish her the best in anything she does, hopefully it will take her far away.

After the insident in which I acted a fool. My girlfriend of which I had and have intentions of marrying has completely released any trust that I had built up. Like I said, MY FAULT!

She says that she loves me and wants to be with me but she doesnt trust me. Its something that I will have to earn back she says.

I am not an asshole. I realize what I did was wrong but to be osrricyzed be cause I chose to lie instead of irritate unnesasarily about a situation that was completely out of my control and unprovoked on my part, is why I am feeling so completely helpless!

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