For me my Father is already DEAD ...
I've never been so embarrassed
July 15,2009 my father died ... he died and im really depressed. The whole world stop to rotate and it feels so sad to think that ill be living alone. I cried every moment i reminisce things with my father. The laughs our giggles and it really hurt inside and when memories coming back for more the pain grows more inside of me. And you know what's the painful part is? He didnt die on a certain disease nor an accident but he died inside my heart. I don't know what to say. Well, actually i have nothing left to say. I don't have a father anymore. He was numb so much numb ... he is so insensetive about my feelings you know whats the saddest part of his last words? Is whaen he told me that he don't care I was never been a daughter to him i dont have his flesh and blood. Well, who am i anyway? I am just a foster kid when my real mom left me because i am an unwanted child. And she don't want to sacrifice her future just for me. I am a product of sin ! I always try to smile in the crowd just to avoid people asking if im ok. What a bitter smile. He told me that i was too ambitious he told me that i dont have the right to dream. No matter what i do I will always be that poor product of sin and Damn it hurts no matter how hard i cry i still can't forget those words. And you know what i really wonder? because whenever he spill mean things like that i just sleep and forget those things ive heard and consider it as a nightmare and the other day when i wake up? Im ok. But this time is so diffirent cuz whatever i do his words were always there and i can't erase them from my mind there always there to remind me how indiffirent i am. From all those times i suffer i become so vulnerable but now? i woke-up from my nightmare i have to accept my father's death... Now, i won't get hurt anymore cuz deep inside i won't be able to expect from a father. A father that would lift me up when i am at my worst, that would comfort me. a father that would always be there to for me. a father that would protect me. Now... i don't have a father anymore and it hurts of course. Without my father i wold face my day with sorrow. It may not be the best sunrise for me but i will get through a day knowing that my sunset will be better for i know i am no longer hurting ...!
